he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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