i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
