I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
