Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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