you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
