I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
