Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize