that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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