He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
