In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
