those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
