fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
