if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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