whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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