I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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