I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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