God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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