i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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