I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
