I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
