I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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