Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
