We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
