my phone needs a breathalizer
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
