i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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