hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
