I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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