i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize