my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
