Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
