Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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