Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
