At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize