this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
