He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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