I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
