the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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