I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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