Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize