It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
