I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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