I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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