new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
