I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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