DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
