This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
