8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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