i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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