Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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