Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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