I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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