it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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