honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
