roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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