my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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